On Girls and Asperger's Syndrome

I remember teaching myself to make "normal" eye contact.  I was about eight years old and I had just read an article about how people typically make eye contact for several seconds, and then look away. At that age, I read everything I could get my hands on. I was such a good speller that my teachers had me spell check letters they were sending to parents! I was considered a really smart kid, but the information on eye contact was a revelation to me. 

I struggled with friendships, usually sticking to one close friend each year throughout elementary school. I buried myself in books in fourth, fifth and sixth grades, avoiding the challenges of navigating the unfamiliar social scene in a new school. I avoided many recess times, preferring to volunteer with the Pre-K class during their nap time. I was picked on. Or maybe I was just super-sensitive and didn't know when other children were joking with me. I just remember it was tough and confusing and the more I could block out interactions with most children, the better.

Now I know that I struggled with reading facial expressions and tended to initially interpret language quite literally. I've since taught myself to pay greater attention to facial expressions and interpreting figurative language. Did anyone ever guess I was struggling with these specific skills? Of course not. Asperger's Syndrome wasn't even a "thing" amongst educators and parents until the nineties, and by then I was in high school.

I share this because I want you to pay close attention to the girls in your class; the ones who don't make friends easily; who are constantly in conflict or tuned out during group work; who lose themselves in books when other children are playing together; who have age-inappropriate meltdowns for no apparent reason; who are book-smart but sometimes completely miss the point; who too frequently think someone is being mean to them; who talk your ear off but rarely choose to engage with most of their classmates; who people may describe as shy or unfriendly or rude or bossy; who literally jump up and down when excited; who get along brilliantly with younger children, but not with their peers; who exhibit strong aptitude (or are called gifted) in specific areas of the curriculum; who may struggle with making eye contact. 

Do they have Asperger's Syndrome*? Maybe. But that's not important. The diagnosis - that label isn't what matters. What is critical is that you observe carefully and note what specific skills are lacking and how this impacts on their interactions. It's tricky. Girls with Asperger's are excellent at hiding their difficulties and confusion. They often mimic the behaviors and personalities of other girls, appearing to be just like their best friends. They are often bookworms (excusing them from social interaction). They sometimes have stereotypically girly obsessions - horses, fairy tales, and drawing, for example.

You're thinking of some girl now, right? Maybe your daughter or a student? Or perhaps a colleague? Or yourself? You're likely wondering how you can help. You might even be feeling a little guilty for missing these signs in someone you care about. Don't! Start paying attention and implementing changes that will support these children.

Here are some tips that will benefit all kids, and especially children who may have a mild Autism Spectrum Disorder/Asperger's Syndrome:

• Be explicit and clear when giving directions and when moderating conversations between children. Don't leave things for children to infer. They likely will not. That teacher look you use? Saying a child's name in a pointed and stern manner? It probably won't get you the result you want. That child is thinking, and maybe saying, "What do you want from me?! I don't get it!"

• Don't be sarcastic. I say this a lot! But, seriously, that kid might take you literally. "Oh, that's a great way to treat a friend," when taken literally is teaching the exact opposite of what you want to convey!

• Don't assume a child is purposely being rude. Give children the benefit of the doubt. Assume they were just being straightforward and honest, and explain why a certain action or phrase might be interpreted as rude. Children are often surprised to know their action was perceived negatively.

• Compliment children on specific positive social behavior. E.g. "It was really kind of you to offer to help your friend with that math problem," or "You did great partner work today. You were really listening to ______ every time she spoke!"

• Refer children to "experts" in the class. I had a child who knew everything there was to know about tornadoes, Michael Jackson and technology. You can bet I found every possible opportunity to refer other students to him for his expert advice and wealth of knowledge! Another child had memorized the New York City subway map, so whenever someone needed directions, I sent them his way! This provided more opportunities for positive social interactions.

• Provide a space children can use to calm down when they're feeling overwhelmed. Classrooms can be noisy places. Some children (and teachers) get overloaded with sensory input. Try to carve out a quiet/dark corner children can use to shut out some of the sensory input. Headphones with calming sounds/music can help children tune out the noise of the classroom. Consider, also, what you need to have hanging in your room. Many classrooms have clotheslines strung with fluttery papers, adding to the visual and auditory stimulus. IMHO, less is more. 

• Pay closer attention to reading! Don't assume that because a child is an excellent decoder, has a ridiculously high number of sight words, and zips through long, complicated texts, they understand everything they read, especially when it comes to fiction. Ask questions beyond what is stated explicitly in texts! Ask questions that check for "reading between the lines." (An interesting note: Asperger's kids often read aloud using more vocal inflection than they normally speak with. I'm guessing this is because the punctuation tells them when and how to use such vocal inflections.)

Teach all children skills needed to interact successfully. Here are some possible teaching points for the whole class, groups or individuals:

• When you greet someone, make eye contact and smile. Try to make eye contact regularly when having conversations to let people know you're listening to them.

• Pay attention to your classmates' faces and voices for clues to how they're feeling. Name what feeling a child is showing through a sad, excited or angry expression or a loud or soft voice. "When you kept interrupting your friend, it made her really angry. Look at her face. Did you hear how she shouted? She was really upset."

• In good conversations, people take turns. Remember to ask questions!

• Be clear and explicit when you're talking through a problem. Give examples of what behavior is upsetting you. Saying, "Stop bothering me," or "That's annoying!" doesn't let the person know what the problem is. Try to solve problems with classmates by talking with them yourself, but if that doesn't work, ask for help. (Be prepared to help!) Teach children who read facial expressions and vocal tones well that not everyone does! When a child is frustrated with a classmate who isn't reading their frustration, help that child to articulate exactly what is bothering her.

• It's important not to call out because every child deserves a chance to think for himself! I may not call on you as often as you like, but I will make sure that chances to talk in class meetings are shared fairly.

• Other children (people) have smart ideas, too. It's important that you listen to their ideas and consider them.

• Offer your classmates compliments sometimes. (Encourage children to notice other children's strengths, as opposed to just their physical characteristics and belongings.) You can practice this in morning meetings, along with greetings.

• Say please when asking someone to do something. Say thank you when someone does something helpful for you. Not as obvious as it might seem! Some children - girls, especially - are seen as bossy (creating lots of conflicts) when in reality, they just need to be taught more polite ways to ask for things. 

• Inference requires us to think about what we know, what is stated or shown, and draw our own conclusions. Some children need to be taught how to infer. Developing this skill will support them socially and academically.

I said before that diagnosing Asperger's Syndrome (or an Autism Spectrum Disorder) isn't important. Here's the exception: 

If there are services available to a child that will only be provided with a diagnosis, you might consider working toward a diagnosis. This might require you to specify what you're looking for because evaluators are often looking for academic issues - which the student in question might not display (yet). These kids are often super-competent on paper! They might do extraordinarily well on standardized tests and be perceived as brilliant, well-adjusted children in conversations with adult evaluators. What kinds of services might children benefit from? Support with social skills (including reading facial expressions and body language), support with communication (including interpreting figurative language and reading vocal tones), and support with sensory sensitivities. Some children need physical and occupational therapy. Children might also benefit from receiving testing modifications.

Some additional notes:

* In the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Asperger's Syndrome traits have been included under the larger umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorders.

I am not an expert on Asperger's Syndrome, but I have worked successfully with no fewer than fifteen children with mild Autism Spectrum Disorders/Asperger's Syndrome in my mainstream classes - some diagnosed and some not. They have all benefitted from the strategies I've described above, as have most children in my classes. I worked so successfully with one (diagnosed) kindergartner that our guidance counselor called me a genius and invited the child's pediatrician and pediatricians-in-training to come into my classroom to observe. A number of these children and their families have said their time in my class was their best time in school ever.

I chose to focus on girls in this blog because girls are so frequently missed and overlooked when it comes to Asperger's and Autism Spectrum Disorders. This has to change!

I'll write more on brown boys and Asperger's later. How often are brown boys being seen as troublemakers when, in reality, they're missing facial expressions, social cues, vocal tones - just misreading the situation? I've heard brown boys described as thugs, angry, "playing dumb," difficult, rude, mean, lazy - and then met them and noted many Asperger's traits. When we assumed they were struggling with Asperger's related issues and taught them as such, these boys were much more successful. (This might be true about many boys, but in my experience, what boys look like plays a role in how their behaviors are perceived.)

Autism Spectrum Disorders - The spectrum concept is critical here. The less obvious children's autism/Asperger's traits are, the harder they are to identify. This makes it harder for children with milder forms of autism to receive the support they need. You'll need to pay even closer attention to pick these kids up and offer them teaching that supports them! My own child makes eye contact, makes friends easily, is super-social, exceptionally athletic - but in elementary school, he was terrible at reading facial expressions and vocal tones and interpreted everything literally. This caused huge problems before we got him evaluated and had these challenges pointed out to us! Here's an example: A teacher said, "Put away your colored pens." He did that and kept drawing with a black pen. The teacher said his name and gave him a look. He responded, "What?!" The teacher said, "You have detention. No recess today!" And he had a complete meltdown. He's since received instruction on reading facial expressions and vocal tones, been offered numerous strategies on working successfully with different teachers, and his time in school is better. Not perfect, but better.

This chart from www.help4aspergers.com has some interesting information on female Asperger's Syndrome traits.

If you want to read more, I recommend The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Atwood. Check out some titles below for kids, as well.

And check out this blog: How to Talk to a Child with Asperger's Syndrome. Good stuff!


For adults:



For kids: