Toning Down Tattling

Eighteen kindergarteners are bouncing and spinning to a fast, rhythmic song. Smiles are plentiful. I am reminding children that we are dancing, not running. We have practiced asking, “Are you okay?” so when one child falls, three others rush to check on him. Then Malak approaches me, pouting, tearful. I ask, “What happened, Malak?”

She responds emphatically, “Hamdi!” Just a name, no explanation.

I talk to her more and understand that Hamdi bumped into her while they were dancing. I have kept an eye on Hamdi because he is not the most careful of movers. He has been dancing joyfully, skipping and jumping. It is possible that he bumped into her, but he surely did not hurt Malak intentionally. And of course, with 18 children dancing in a small classroom, many children are bumping or brushing against each other, but nobody else is complaining. I remember that Malak also refused to hold Hamdi's hand when we made a circle.

I call Hamdi over. I tell him Malak needs to talk to him and I wait. Malak says, “You pushed me.” Hamdi denies it.

I say, “Hamdi, maybe you bumped into her by accident while you were dancing.”

He nods, smiles and says, “Sorry, Malak!” and hurries off to continue leaping and spinning and skipping. I tell Malak it’s finished and she should go back to dancing.

But I worry. Nobody else is tattled on as frequently as Hamdi. Every time I see this class, someone is telling on Hamdi. Hamdi wasn’t walking in the line. Hamdi touched me. Hamdi isn’t sitting properly. Hamdi is holding his stick wrong. Hamdi is talking. Hamdi wasn’t singing. Hamdi, Hamdi, Hamdi. Even teachers often roll their eyes and sigh and complain when talking about Hamdi.

And I know Hamdi is not easy in his classroom setting. He is an immature, wiggly, barely five-year-old who is not ready for the heavily academic kindergarten class he attends. He is not ready for worksheets and spelling tests and sitting in a chair for extended periods of time. Hamdi is almost always late for my Music lessons because, as the other children are eager to tell me, he didn’t finish his work, he was punished, and he wasn’t listening.

Perhaps this is why I like Hamdi so much. I feel the need to balance out the negative attention he seems to get so often. I want to help the other children see him as an upstanding, helpful, kind member of the classroom community – which he is. Hamdi hands out rhythm sticks. He demonstrates partner work. He offers frequent smiles to his classmates and invites them to join him when he's dancing.

In the first grade class, it is Hamdi’s big sister, Amna who is the primary target of a constant stream of tattling. In many classes, there is a child who is tattled on more than any other. 

I often tell children that there is no tattling allowed in my classroom.  That’s not to say it doesn’t happen, because tattling is a part of classroom and school cultures and it takes work, across the school, to diminish it. But I want children to know that tattling for the sake of getting someone “in trouble” will not be tolerated. I tell them I will help them solve problems. I will mediate conversations if they need me to. But I will not scold a child because another child tattled on him.

Why is it important to limit tattling?

We want to avoid situations were one child or a few children are constantly reaffirmed as the “bad kids.” When we entertain children telling us all the bad things they saw a child do, this can confirm for the tattler and for the subject of the tattling that the child being tattled on is not as good as other children.

We want to empower children to solve problems on their own. If they  come to an adult for every little issue that arises, they don’t learn that they are capable of effectively addressing problems independently. (Tangentially, I don't spell for children for the same reason.)

We want to help children differentiate between issues that require adult intervention, issues that can be solved independently, and non-issues.

  

What can we do to help children move away from tattling as a strategy?

Encourage children to try to solve small social issues before coming to you.

When a child approaches you and begins telling on another child, ask, “Have you spoken to him/her about it?” If the tattler says she hasn’t spoken to the other child, send her off to try. If you think it would be helpful, call the other child over and be an observer while they discuss the problem.

Encourage the upset child to be specific about the problem. Often children will say things like, “He was bothering me,” or, “They kept annoying me.” These vague statements do little to help solve a problem.

Always follow up. Ask later, “Were you able to solve the problem?” and possibly, “How did you solve it?” Compliment the child(ren) for a job well done! 

Employ the help of a fair-minded peer.

Some children are really great problem solvers. They are diplomatic and fair and can be excellent listeners. You can ask children like this to talk with two children in conflict and see if they’re able to help mediate a solution. If this doesn’t work, offer your assistance or the assistance of another adult to mediate.

Focus on solutions.

When you’re mediating, after briefly establishing what the problem is from both perspectives, try focusing the complaining child on what they need to feel better. Do they need an apology? A hug/handshake? The other child to be more careful? A new place to sit? Focus on solutions rather than rehashing the problem over and over again.

The Problem Notebook and Problem-Solving Meeting

I’ve used this strategy successfully in upper elementary classrooms. We kept a class notebook called the problem notebook. It was always available for children to write down a problem they were having with a classmate. When children came to tattle, I referred them to the Problem Notebook. If the problem was solved prior to any adult intervention, the children involved marked the problem “SOLVED” in the notebook. 

At the end of the week, at a designated time, we had a problem-solving meeting. We looked through the notebook and spent time discussing any unresolved problems as a class. Peers offered solutions to the children involved and those children agreed to try one of the solutions. After using this method for several weeks, we rarely had any unsolved problems left to address by the end of the week. Sometimes, children shared how they were able to solve a problem they’d written down earlier in the week.

This strategy should only be used if there’s already a well-established, kind, collaborative community in your classroom. Otherwise, the Problem Notebook can become a collection of mean comments and no solutions.

Of course, like anything else that happens in a classroom, you should teach children strategies for solving social problems early in the year. And children should know you'll be there to help them if they need it and that serious problems should be brought to an adult. But constant tattling doesn't help you or your students. Do your best to decrease the need for your assistance by empowering the children to do their own problem solving.

PS - As I've mentioned in previous blog entries, all children are different and have different needs. This blog post was written with most children I've taught in mind. But there are exceptional children for whom this kind of independent problem solving isn't always possible. Some children will need assistance in working out social issues for an extended period of time, well into upper elementary school, and even beyond. And some children are vulnerable, for various reasons, to being targeted and picked on. I don't wait for these particular kids to tattle or ask for assistance. I'm always watching to see if I need to step in. I check in frequently to ensure partner work and group work are going smoothly and offer frequent tips to the child and to other children about successful cooperation. While I don't like tattling, I don't tolerate bullying. But often kids who are being bullied don't tell, so our eyes have to be open all the time. We don't have to wait for them to tell.