Toning Down Tattling

Eighteen kindergarteners are bouncing and spinning to a fast, rhythmic song. Smiles are plentiful. I am reminding children that we are dancing, not running. We have practiced asking, “Are you okay?” so when one child falls, three others rush to check on him. Then Malak approaches me, pouting, tearful. I ask, “What happened, Malak?”

She responds emphatically, “Hamdi!” Just a name, no explanation.

I talk to her more and understand that Hamdi bumped into her while they were dancing. I have kept an eye on Hamdi because he is not the most careful of movers. He has been dancing joyfully, skipping and jumping. It is possible that he bumped into her, but he surely did not hurt Malak intentionally. And of course, with 18 children dancing in a small classroom, many children are bumping or brushing against each other, but nobody else is complaining. I remember that Malak also refused to hold Hamdi's hand when we made a circle.

I call Hamdi over. I tell him Malak needs to talk to him and I wait. Malak says, “You pushed me.” Hamdi denies it.

I say, “Hamdi, maybe you bumped into her by accident while you were dancing.”

He nods, smiles and says, “Sorry, Malak!” and hurries off to continue leaping and spinning and skipping. I tell Malak it’s finished and she should go back to dancing.

But I worry. Nobody else is tattled on as frequently as Hamdi. Every time I see this class, someone is telling on Hamdi. Hamdi wasn’t walking in the line. Hamdi touched me. Hamdi isn’t sitting properly. Hamdi is holding his stick wrong. Hamdi is talking. Hamdi wasn’t singing. Hamdi, Hamdi, Hamdi. Even teachers often roll their eyes and sigh and complain when talking about Hamdi.

And I know Hamdi is not easy in his classroom setting. He is an immature, wiggly, barely five-year-old who is not ready for the heavily academic kindergarten class he attends. He is not ready for worksheets and spelling tests and sitting in a chair for extended periods of time. Hamdi is almost always late for my Music lessons because, as the other children are eager to tell me, he didn’t finish his work, he was punished, and he wasn’t listening.

Perhaps this is why I like Hamdi so much. I feel the need to balance out the negative attention he seems to get so often. I want to help the other children see him as an upstanding, helpful, kind member of the classroom community – which he is. Hamdi hands out rhythm sticks. He demonstrates partner work. He offers frequent smiles to his classmates and invites them to join him when he's dancing.

In the first grade class, it is Hamdi’s big sister, Amna who is the primary target of a constant stream of tattling. In many classes, there is a child who is tattled on more than any other. 

I often tell children that there is no tattling allowed in my classroom.  That’s not to say it doesn’t happen, because tattling is a part of classroom and school cultures and it takes work, across the school, to diminish it. But I want children to know that tattling for the sake of getting someone “in trouble” will not be tolerated. I tell them I will help them solve problems. I will mediate conversations if they need me to. But I will not scold a child because another child tattled on him.

Why is it important to limit tattling?

We want to avoid situations were one child or a few children are constantly reaffirmed as the “bad kids.” When we entertain children telling us all the bad things they saw a child do, this can confirm for the tattler and for the subject of the tattling that the child being tattled on is not as good as other children.

We want to empower children to solve problems on their own. If they  come to an adult for every little issue that arises, they don’t learn that they are capable of effectively addressing problems independently. (Tangentially, I don't spell for children for the same reason.)

We want to help children differentiate between issues that require adult intervention, issues that can be solved independently, and non-issues.

  

What can we do to help children move away from tattling as a strategy?

Encourage children to try to solve small social issues before coming to you.

When a child approaches you and begins telling on another child, ask, “Have you spoken to him/her about it?” If the tattler says she hasn’t spoken to the other child, send her off to try. If you think it would be helpful, call the other child over and be an observer while they discuss the problem.

Encourage the upset child to be specific about the problem. Often children will say things like, “He was bothering me,” or, “They kept annoying me.” These vague statements do little to help solve a problem.

Always follow up. Ask later, “Were you able to solve the problem?” and possibly, “How did you solve it?” Compliment the child(ren) for a job well done! 

Employ the help of a fair-minded peer.

Some children are really great problem solvers. They are diplomatic and fair and can be excellent listeners. You can ask children like this to talk with two children in conflict and see if they’re able to help mediate a solution. If this doesn’t work, offer your assistance or the assistance of another adult to mediate.

Focus on solutions.

When you’re mediating, after briefly establishing what the problem is from both perspectives, try focusing the complaining child on what they need to feel better. Do they need an apology? A hug/handshake? The other child to be more careful? A new place to sit? Focus on solutions rather than rehashing the problem over and over again.

The Problem Notebook and Problem-Solving Meeting

I’ve used this strategy successfully in upper elementary classrooms. We kept a class notebook called the problem notebook. It was always available for children to write down a problem they were having with a classmate. When children came to tattle, I referred them to the Problem Notebook. If the problem was solved prior to any adult intervention, the children involved marked the problem “SOLVED” in the notebook. 

At the end of the week, at a designated time, we had a problem-solving meeting. We looked through the notebook and spent time discussing any unresolved problems as a class. Peers offered solutions to the children involved and those children agreed to try one of the solutions. After using this method for several weeks, we rarely had any unsolved problems left to address by the end of the week. Sometimes, children shared how they were able to solve a problem they’d written down earlier in the week.

This strategy should only be used if there’s already a well-established, kind, collaborative community in your classroom. Otherwise, the Problem Notebook can become a collection of mean comments and no solutions.

Of course, like anything else that happens in a classroom, you should teach children strategies for solving social problems early in the year. And children should know you'll be there to help them if they need it and that serious problems should be brought to an adult. But constant tattling doesn't help you or your students. Do your best to decrease the need for your assistance by empowering the children to do their own problem solving.

PS - As I've mentioned in previous blog entries, all children are different and have different needs. This blog post was written with most children I've taught in mind. But there are exceptional children for whom this kind of independent problem solving isn't always possible. Some children will need assistance in working out social issues for an extended period of time, well into upper elementary school, and even beyond. And some children are vulnerable, for various reasons, to being targeted and picked on. I don't wait for these particular kids to tattle or ask for assistance. I'm always watching to see if I need to step in. I check in frequently to ensure partner work and group work are going smoothly and offer frequent tips to the child and to other children about successful cooperation. While I don't like tattling, I don't tolerate bullying. But often kids who are being bullied don't tell, so our eyes have to be open all the time. We don't have to wait for them to tell.

Big Mouths, Little Ears

We are sitting in a large circle, 16 four year olds, three teaching assistants and I. Children are returning their instruments in small groups based on the colors of their shirts. Three children go to the instrument tray and to put their instruments away. Two return, as they should, empty-handed. One returns with instrument still in his one hand, a thumb in his mouth and eyes brimming with tears. I didn't notice any problem at the instrument tray. I ask him if he is okay, if something happened. He continues to look sad and says nothing. 

I ask the other two children, "Did something happen while you were returning your instruments? Do you know why he looks so sad?" I know these two children. I know it is doubtful that either will respond to my question, as neither child engages in regular, turn-taking conversation with any consistency. But I ask, because I would ask any children in the same situation. I think perhaps they will think about what happened. I hope drawing their attention to this child's sad face will help them to read this emotion on their classmates' faces in the future. 

One of the assistants shakes her head, smirks and says loudly, "Those two are the worst."

I know she probably means to inform me that it will be hard to get an answer from them. Or that they would struggle to describe any incident that might have occurred. I know she does not consider her words and how they will impact on these two children, nor how they will impact on the other 14 children sitting in the circle listening. I know (or hope) she intends to be helpful. I also know there is nothing I can say to erase these words from the memories of the children in this group.

But what messages are being given to these children? 

To the two children involved in whatever problem may or may not have occurred, she has confirmed that:

• They are not expected to participate in solving this problem.
• They are not good children.
• They are, in fact, worse than all of the other children in the class (or school or world).

To the other children in the group, she has expressed that:

• These two children are not as good as they, themselves are.
• These two children are not expected participate in solving problems.
• And perhaps, that children with differences (because these two children have clear behavioral and social differences) are the worst.

All in one snide remark intended for another adult.

Here are some things we should consider in our day-to-day conversations with and around children:

Children hear everything we say around them, no matter whom the words are intended for.

My little sister shocked her pre-Kindergarten teacher when, months after he'd made a brief comment to another adult in passing in the hallway, she repeated to her teacher, word-for-word, what he had said about another child. Our words are heard, and often internalized by children. When we say they are bad often enough, they may begin to feel like bad children. If we call them, "Readers," when talking to them, they may begin to feel like readers. If we tell them how kind they are when we observe kindness, we support and expand their capacity to make kind choices. We must consider what behaviors and attributes we hope to grow in children, and focus our language accordingly.

Children (mis)understand our words.

Especially when working with the youngest children in our schools, teachers assume their words will go over their heads, that they won't "get it." But they often do understand. And even if these children can't make the inferences that allow them to understand our intended meanings, they understand something. 

Adult conversations should be reserved for adult-only areas and times.

Teachers love to talk about children. We can't help it. Sometimes we share the wonderful accomplishments and activities that have occurred in our classrooms. We talk about new achievements made by children who are struggling. And we talk about our frustrations. All of these conversations about children should happen away from children unless we are talking, for a specific reason, to children about another child's wonderful work or actions.

Adults should never insult children in front of children.

I know. Seems like it shouldn't be necessary to say this. I wouldn't, except I keep hearing teachers saying negative things about children, aloud - and often in front of other children! 

"This one's been running around like the village idiot." 
"You're disgusting!" 
"Thank goodness John isn't here today. I haven't had to yell all day." 
"What grade do you think I'm going to give you?" Child responds that she'll give him a high grade. Teacher laughs hysterically.

Keep your mean thoughts to yourself. Share them in staff rooms if you must, but ideally, just don't. 

Teachers' kids 

I remember when I was eight, a principal who was not well liked by the staff at my school was finally removed. The staff sang, "Ding dong, the witch is dead," after most children had left for the day. I was a staff kid, so I was still at school. I heard them. I understood. I remember. I was shocked. Staff kids tend to be privy to much more adult conversation than other children. As hard as it is, teacher-parents should try not to have negative conversations in front of their own children. Our children have to interact with other teachers and children regularly, and our opinions of those teachers and children may impact negatively on their interactions. 

Sarcasm and jokes

I touch on the topic of sarcasm frequently because it's important. One head of section who was generally quite appropriate with children said to a second grader, jokingly, "Why don't you just go bang your head against the wall?" This child looked utterly confused and stunned. I jumped in, "He was just joking. Right, Mr. _______? You weren't serious." The head of section saw the kid's face and immediately felt terrible. He assured the child it was a joke, not a very good one, but a joke nonetheless. The child was clearly relieved.

Describe the action; don't label the child.

As often as possible, whether talking to children or about them, we should describe the specific behavior we observed. It's more productive than labeling a child as good, bad, kind, mean, smart, lazy, etc. I once said to my own child, in frustration, "Your behavior is ridiculous." (Not one of my prouder moments!) He burst into tears. "You called me ridiculous!" Oh, the drama! We talked; I focused on the specific actions I was unhappy with. The conversation was productive.

Be honest.
Tell children the truth. There's rarely a good reason to be dishonest with children. If you can't answer, tell them so.

We send unspoken messages also.
This could probably be a whole 'nother topic, and maybe it will be. We send unspoken messages constantly; by how we respond to each child; by texting and checking our phones while with children; by calling on one gender/culture/child more in certain subject areas; with angry expressions; by ignoring children or dismissing them. Everything we do and much of what we don't sends a message.

None of us is perfect. Sometimes words slip out of our mouths before we think them through. When those words impact children negatively, we should do what's necessary to repair the relationship or clarify our (hopefully positive) intention. Most importantly, we must consider the impact of our words on all children within earshot. 

A fantastic read on this topic, Power of Our Words:

Getting Kids Started - Four Useful Phrases

There's nothing more frustrating than sending children off to work and finding, a little while later, that no one is working! Some teachers scold kids, "You're supposed to be working now!" Some teachers threaten, "You'll lose recess if you don't get this done!" Some teachers berate children for being lazy, unfocused, or unproductive. Those tactics tend not to work very effectively in the long term. I know you are not one of those teachers, so you might be looking for some simple phrases to help children get started.

You just finished your lesson/discussion/mini-lesson and sent kids off to work. You look up a few minutes later and notice very few children are doing what you expect. What do you say?

Why it's important: If the majority of your class isn't doing what you expect, then it's likely your instructions weren't clear. Take a minute or two to reexplain in clear, succinct language, or to demonstrate what is expected, and then send them back to work, refocused. If a small group of children is off-task, you can invite those children back to get them restarted. 

Possible follow up: When you've given your brief recap of instructions, you may want to ask kids to show you a signal (e.g. a thumbs up) if they feel ready to get to work, and then send them off one or two at a time. The hope is that everyone will be ready to get to work, but if some children still aren't, even after you've restarted them in a small group, they may need to work with you or another adult in a more guided way to get started. 

If there are still groups of children or individuals who aren't working, ask those children (calmly),

Why it's important: You want to know whether the child or group knows what to do! If children can answer this question, you can say, "Great. Get to it." If the child or group is unable to say what the instructions were, you know you need to reexplain!

Possible follow up: Ideally, none. Once children are clear on the instructions/expectations for a given task, they should get to it. 

If a child has come to you, still not knowing what to do after you've tried the above strategies, try asking,

Why it's important: Referring children to their classmates for help builds cooperation and a sense of responsibility for each other. It also builds the idea that children are competent and capable of providing assistance. Even better, when children use each other for guidance, you have more time to help children who really need an adult's support. Sometimes, the explanation will be clearer coming from a peer than it was coming from you. (Also, this only works if children are allowed to talk! I know, I know, you let kids speak to each other in your classroom. There are some teachers who don't!)

Possible follow up: Were you able to find someone who could help? 

If you notice some students still can't get started, after having instructions clarified, and after asking a peer for help, ask those specific children,

Why it's important: Pinpointing the specific roadblock preventing participation can help remove it and allow the child to get back to work. Rather than scolding a child for not working, by asking this question, you can learn about the child's work process and help the child learn how to solve the specific problem should it arise in the future. It's important to note that kids might not know what's stopping them from working! You might need to offer some possible reasons or use your own knowledge of a child to help them pinpoint the problem. Do you have a pencil? Do you have a place to sit? Do you have a partner? Do you have the books you need?

Possible follow up: Did that work for you? Were you able to find a (topic, pencil, partner, place to work, strategy)? I notice you're working well now! Keep it up!

Note:

Tone is everything! A sarcastic tone, shouting these phrases and questions at kids, or delivering them with a sneer on your face will change the message completely. Yeah. That's all.

Top Sixteen Tips for Teachers

My son cried every night of the first month of school that year. He was being punished frequently and often couldn't understand what he had done wrong. He felt like his teacher hated him, even though he tried hard to do what he thought was expected of him. After a while, I also believed the teacher hated him.

You might think I was that parent, the one who thought her child did no wrong. You’d be mistaken. My son was in the other section of a class I co-taught the previous year, and I knew he could be challenging for a teacher who didn't "get" him. He was wiggly and impatient. He struggled with handwriting and with focus. He was bluntly honest – no filter. But he was also an avid reader, an enthusiastic and curious mathematician, and the kind of kid who made every person in the school community feel welcome and important. He might have been the only kid at our school who – in addition to knowing the names of almost all of the teachers and students – knew the names of most of the guards and cleaners and cheerfully greeted them on a daily basis.

The previous year, I’d watched my co-teacher – a second year teacher – masterfully support and engage my son, helping him to have his best year ever in school. She is  a natural born teacher, and did most of what I share below instinctually. She and I both offered to share strategies with this teacher for how best to work with my son and other children we’d taught. Our suggestions weren’t welcomed, to say the least.

After a conversation with the teacher and head of section about how my child was missing recess almost every day, making it harder for him to sit still and be quiet (more on that later), I shared a Responsive Classroom article about Punishment vs. Logical Consequences. Neither the teacher nor the head of section was pleased. How dare I think I knew enough that I could teach them anything about teaching?

I didn’t bother to remind them of my 17 years of teaching experience, my master’s degree in Special Education, or my 11 years of experience parenting my child. Instead, I began writing this list – for that teacher and that supervisor. I hope you’ll find something useful in this Top Sixteen Tips for Teachers.

1.     Find something to love about every child. Yes, every child. Even that one. Especially that one. You can be infinitely more patient and supportive if, in your moments of frustration, you can remind yourself how kind Amin is when one of his classmates is sad. The more challenging a child is, the more important it is that you find at least one amazing about him. (Shout out to my first co-teacher for sharing this nugget of wisdom with me in my very first year of teaching!)

2.    Know your age group. I highly recommend the book Yardsticks by Chip Wood. When my first graders were falling sideways out of their chairs on a regular basis, Yardsticks explained this was typical of six year olds. (Five year olds tend to fall backwards.) And nine year olds are often complainers. You can stop getting frustrated with age-appropriate behavior and instead, help kids grow past it. Especially if you are not a parent or have not parented kids of your age group before, ask someone who has about children’s physical needs. I’ve seen too many kids have bathroom accidents because teachers demanded they wait until the end of a lesson or activity at age 5 or 6! 

3.    Keep your back to the wall. Management 101. Make sure you can see the whole classroom most of the time.  If you have tables set up for small group work, place your seat in a corner, facing outward. Scan the room regularly. Stop any problems before they start by redirecting kids firmly and kindly. Teach an attention signal and use it when you need everyone’s attention. And make sure you get everyone’s attention each time you use it. Ideally, your attention signal won’t consist of clapping and/or yelling loudly and repeatedly. Melodic (sung) attention signals are my personal favorites. Many educators like to use a simple chime. 

4.    Be clear with your language and limit the sarcasm, even with older kids, or explain what you mean. And cut it out completely with little ones. They take what you say literally. Be explicit and don’t assume kids know what you meant to say. I’ll never forget the puzzled expression on one little boy’s face when a parent volunteer handed him a worksheet and joked, “Go on, knock yourself out.” (He later came back to ask if she really wanted him to knock himself out!) Or when a teacher told a row of children – none of which spoke English as a first language – to “move up.” Not one child moved. He repeated himself to the point of frustration and walked away muttering about how dumb the kids were. I later asked those children if they knew what “move up” meant. They guessed, “Sideways?” I explained that sometimes we say, “move up,” when we mean, “move forward.” Now they know.

5.    Stop trying to intimidate children into behaving. Establish a strong rapport with your students. Respect your students and talk to them like real people, even the little ones. Make the expectations in your classroom explicit and reasonable and then support children to meet those expectations. If you're asking young children - or even bigger kids - to sit still for close to an hour and be quiet, (read long assemblies with no interactive anything) your expectations are not appropriate, so don't get angry at the kids for not being still and quiet. If your only strategy for getting kids to work is threatening them with punishment, something’s wrong. Start seeking out other methods. 

6.    Build community. Take the time to greet your students and teach them to greet each other. Teach children how to support, respect and cooperate with their peers. No time? I promise you the learning goes faster and better if your classroom is a safe, welcoming space. Children have to feel safe enough to take risks and make mistakes if they are to make progress. (Responsive Classroom has useful, researched, tried and true methods packed into easy-to-read articles, books and DVDs. Check them out!)

7.    Share a genuine love of reading, writing, numbers and everything else and the learning will come easier. I have, a number of times, had several students in a class make 2+ years growth in reading in one school year, mostly because together, we found books they loved, and they read non-stop for the first time in their lives. Mo Willems, Sharon Creech, Christopher Myers and Walter Dean Myers, Louis Sachar, Christopher Paul Curtis and Gail Gibbons are just a few of the authors who have grabbed kids’ attention and made them want to read non-stop. I’ve watched children who hated writing become prolific writers because of the excitement Writing Workshop generated as we wrote with them and helped them to coach each other. (Check out Teacher’s College Reading and Writing Workshops for a great model to get kids loving literacy and taking ownership of their work!) Teaching That Makes Sense is a phenomenal free resource when you're stuck for inspiration or need subject-specific, grade-appropriate ideas, handouts, and posters! (No, I'm not getting paid to say that, and seriously, go look!)

8.    Wait. And teach children to wait. Many children need time to formulate their thoughts. Don’t assume the child doesn’t have something to say because it’s taking her a while to get it out. Silently count to ten – or twenty. Teach children to listen with patience. Have them keep hands down while someone else is speaking. Teach a wait signal (like a waist-level thumbs up) and wait for most children to have an idea or answer, rather than always calling on the children who raise their hands first. Pay attention to which children you call on most and, more importantly, note the children who rarely get a chance to answer. Then work to make the speaking in your classroom more equitable. If you find this difficult, keep a checklist of names in front of you, and tally the number of times you call on each child. When you’ve gotten better at this, pay attention to how frequently you call on children of different genders and cultural backgrounds during specific subjects. I promise you, you’ll be surprised.

9.    Get enough sleep and plan properly. It took me about two years to figure out that there was a direct correlation between the class having a “bad day” and me not getting enough sleep or not planning thoroughly enough.

10. Be human, unless you think robots should be teaching children. I don’t know who decided teachers should avoid smiling for the first month of school, but that person was clearly not a good teacher. Smile, laugh, cry and let children do the same. (I can never read aloud Patricia Polacco’s book, The Junkyard Wonders without getting choked up!) And help children learn language to describe how they're feeling.

11.  Build bridges between home and school. Learn to greet children and their families in their home languages. Welcome children’s home languages and cultures into your classroom. Welcome family members into your classroom to share their knowledge about the world: to build, to cook, to read, to sing, to dance, or be interviewed. (Check out Paula Rogovin’s book, Classroom Interviews for fantastic ideas.)

12. Understand that families want the best for their children. You might not always agree with what families think is best for their child and that can be frustrating, and yes, sometimes infuriating. So it’s good to know that mostly, families want to know that you know their child, like their child and have their child’s best interests at heart. Be honest with parents, but be tactful, and don’t forget to share the positives, too, frequently. And remember, families do generally know their children well, so listen to what they have to say. Knowing more about your students is helpful!

13. Know that every child wants to succeed. I’ve heard children labeled lazy, not that bright, spacey, difficult, defiant, rude, only to find upon working with them that they were some of the kindest, hardest-working, most brilliant, cooperative children I’d ever known. One child had severe dyslexia that had gone undiagnosed for his first six and a half years of school. Another turned out to have a severe hearing impairment, and another, a possible undiagnosed seizure disorder. Several “not that bright” children spoke English as a second or third language. A number of “rude” children were on the autism spectrum. One five year old who spent the first month of school climbing onto tables, throwing things at other children and running away, finally broke down and said he needed to go home so he could make sure his mom, sick with Lupus, was okay. Once he knew mom was taken care of and that he wouldn’t get sent home for his behavior, he became a joyful and caring member of our classroom community. Kids want to learn. You are the teacher. It is your job to figure out what a child needs to learn and then do your best to provide it. Ask for help if you need to.

14. Be an advocate for families that need support. I'm not talking about telling families what they need. I'm talking about helping families when you know they need help. If you can access certain privileges and connections that might benefit families, use them. If you need to fight for services for a child, or seek out community organizations, do that. Ask for help finding the support families might need. Speak up. Call that person you know.

15. Be an activist against racism. And if that sounds too extreme to you, you're not paying attention. Racism impacts on our classrooms every day. We see it in our schools and on the news. We have to work against it truly give all children a chance to be successful. We have to be able to say BLACK LIVES MATTER and mean it. And we have to know, that even in classrooms where there are no children of color, racism is harmful. Be an activist in your own classroom by making your books reflect our beautiful, diverse world, focusing on identities represented in your school and community. Be an activist at the school level by calling out racist behavior and educating the perpetrators. Be an activist in your community by working to make school zoning fair, by supporting public schools. We have so much work to do.

16. Don't be too hard on yourself. This job is hard. Do your best! 

Have a great year!